So this happened...

So the other day something happened...

A girl that I haven't spoken to much in the last 10 years(she is the person that introduced me to Flipside but moved to a different state shortly after) sent me something that she felt prompted by the Spirit to send to me... 
Well it was so powerful and led me to an encounter and realization of  something I honestly wasn't aware of! My heart is not OK! The message came perfectly timed as I had been asking The Lord already in this season and on this day in particular...
Why do I feel so far from people? Why can't I find my place? Why am I feeling so misunderstood? Why do I feel so sad? 

I was encouraged through this meditative segment(http://christablackgifford.com/meditations/encounter/) to ask my heart...

Heart, ARE YOU TIRED OF PROTECTING YOUR PAIN?--ARE YOU EXHAUSTED FROM GUARDING YOUR WOUNDS?

and I wept... not a few tears --big huge wet tears!

It is true my heart is so tired and exhausted! 

I went through a season where I let my voice be silenced and I trusted people who couldn't hear my cries for help. In this season I watched sin take people that I loved from my life and there seemed nothing I could do about it. In this season I felt lonely and afraid. In this season I too entered into sin and allowed myself to cope with this pain by rebuilding old broken walls that had been broken down once by Jesus when I came into relationship with Him...

In my sin and in my pain again my heart built walls to protect me... 

So here is the answer I have been seeking...when you block your heart from pain you also block your heart from love!! 

Don't miss that profound statement...
WHEN YOU BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM PAIN YOU ALSO BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM LOVE! 

I think this might be my problem!!

and I wept....more huge wet tears

but then I felt the presence of The Lord with me and He reminded me that He has never left me(Hebrews 13:5)and he keeps track of all my sorrows(Psalm 56:8) and that He alone can restore the condition of my heart but I must enter in and trust Him more fully with my heart! 

The thing is people will always be the source of my pain but in order to fully walk in my calling and in Christ I must continue to let people in... So my heart has to heal!

Ummm...so ya here I am laying my most vulnerable truth out there ...My heart is not well! 

So I am not asking for you to be sad for me honestly I am confident God will fully heal me and this will only make me wiser, stronger and more mature! I am not asking for pity...honestly celebrate with me that I have been made aware because honestly I was not until this moment when I listened! 

So I write this because if you are reading this I encourage you to ask God about the condition of your heart! Let's get back to the river of love that our hearts thirsts for! 

I AM WILLING TO BE LOVED AS I AM!! 
I AM OPEN TO CONNECTING WITH MY HEART SO I CAN CONNECT TO YOUR HEART FATHER!
I AM READY TO HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE PROMISED ME!
I AM READY TO HAVE A HEART MADE WHOLE!

God loves His church

For the last 8 years I have been on staff at my beautiful church The Flipside. Working at a church was nothing I ever considered an option for my life. Especially since I attended a church less than 10x in my life before the age of 30. But apparently God had other plans for my life and I wouldn't change a thing! 

Working at a church is an interesting job. I think some of my friends think I sit around and pray all day and yes I definitely pray a lot but the truth is I do a lot more than that. One of the things that I have learned over the years is God so loves His church, his bride, his people...working at a church I can see Gods hand so mighty working all things out for the good of His people!

There was a moment in my journey where things were very confusing for me in my role and I asked The Lord to give me His eyes to see what He was up to. I felt so limited by my eyes, my agenda, I knew God was up to something good but I couldn't see it. So I asked...Lord give me your eyes! There was a song that really lead me to cry out to Him in the way. 

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.

The crazy thing is He actually did! He began to show me things that I had never noticed before about people, about the beauty He sees in the midst of an ugly situation. He started to give me vision that helped me know which direction to head in a project at work or direction to pray in a situation, things I never could have recognized or known on my own! 

When you work at a church Sunday is a big day. This is the where we all come together with the opportunity to worship corporately. It is beautiful! Every Sunday I ask The Lord again to give me His eyes to see. Lord show me the one that needs a welcoming smile, show me the one who is hurting and needs a word of encouragement, purpose my steps Lord to the one who is so lonely and feels no one cares so I can greet them and take away that doubt. I pray each Sunday that I would be a vessel of hope, reassurance and ultimately that I could be used completely as He desires!  So when the music starts I do all I can to step into His presence so He can show me my part! Sundays are a beautiful gift and I do my best each week to completely receive it so I can give back to the community of people I love--my family, my friends, my church!! 

Somewhere Between Misunderstanding and Knowing

Hello blog it's me Heather. I have been away a long, long time. I am going to try visiting more often I really am!! It has been 5 years and I have learned so much I cannot wait to share.

Let's see where do I start. Well this is a pretty big part of my current season...

We moved in July 2017 back to my old stomping grounds of Claremont. It was never in the forecast for Dante and I as we didn't think we could ever afford to live in this town. But my parents needed to sell their house and we worked out a deal that made the opportunity possible. Dante and I felt the Lord was paving the way so we said "Yes" to the adventure!

Dante and I loved the simple life we had created in the first 14 years of our life together and it was tempting to stay there forever... but going down this path of adventure we knew was what the Lord was putting before us and we had to go for it...

There is this song that I have been singing over and over because I relate to it so much in this season.  The words go like this:
Standing on the shore of decision, Looking into the face of adventure Desire to abandon all I know
What pushes me is rooted Somewhere between Misunderstanding and knowing

This is exactly where I am somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing.
What I know is:
1. God goes before His people, He leads us and never forsakes us!
2. He strengthens His people if they keep their eyes on Him and don't loose sight of the call/journey He has them on.
3. God answers prayers! I have seen God answer prayers in my life in ways I could have never expected and I continue to see that in the season and it humbles me and brings me to my knees in a posture of constant surrender!
What I don't know is:
1. How do we pick up our life and move? My daughter loves her friends and we have invested so much time in those friendships -- how do we do this well??
2. Will we financially be able to afford this transition? Dante's pay varies dramatically month to month and the good months are dependent on so many factors outside our control!
3. Can our marriage handle these stresses?

I can go on and on in both categories but the fact is I am somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing and it terrifies me at times!

Then the songs says:
Knowing that what I want to understand Is not within my reach,
So I ponder my escape. Not knowing what lies ahead

For me this is where I can stay--in the pondering--I am constantly thinking and it can be exhausting! But there is a quiet whisper from God that says "Trust Me" and that whisper is more powerful than anything I have ever experienced. His voice is calming, peace-filled, healing and I sometimes wish I could just stay in that place where His voice is the loudest thing I hear...

Then it says:

Adventure in theory is, Is full of excitement And bleeds with passion for life Adventure in reality is full Of breathless moments, silent nights, And wounds that leave Scars of memory on a heart.

I cannot go into the stories now but I will say some of my hardest most lonely moments have been in this house and God is truly teaching me the tension of stepping out and trusting and not becoming hardened in the journey!

Can I go the distance? Can I give all my mind to get what the messenger is saying? Can I surrender my knowing? Will I survive the humility of ignorance to obtain a treasure that earthly gold cannot buy? Will I ask the question of honesty, even if the answer leads me to the land of repentance?

All of these thoughts flood my mind.

As I stand on the shore of choosing and in the distance of my wandering I see with clear eyes a flock of wild beautiful birds. Swooping clearly in my direction, as if they see me and are coming for me. And how strange it is that their eyes are full of clarity. And the melody of their flapping wings sings out, ‘We are coming for you'

The image of this bird standing in her cage that what once locked and safe but kept her trapped and away from her true calling... and now the door is open and the pondering begins...

A song is waking up Wake up, songbird We want to hear your melodies Songbird, wake up. Start singing. You're not in your cage anymore, bound by your shame anymore, the walls that held you in prison, the gate is flung wide open Start singing cageless bird.

What I know is that the Lord doesn't promise that it will be easy...but He will always be with me.
What I know is that this journey with God has been worth every risk so far even those that I don't quite understand yet....
What I know is that I just can't turn back, I must move forward!
What I know is that when I keep my focus on God and the truth that He has set before us, I am able!
What I know is that the enemy won't relent...
What I don't know will hold me back so I stick to what I know!!

If I spend too much time in the unknown I can fall apart and run back to the cage! So I start each day with worship, praise and Gods word because those things will never forsake me and help me to start each day with my eyes on the Master!

How will you run the race?

Good morning Lord,
I am excited for this day that you have made. It is my hope that I don't miss one single blessing that you have for me. I pray that this day I will have your eyes to see, your ears to listen, your mind to be aware, and your peace to see the beauty in the midst of the ordinary.

Fridays are my favorite day! I wake up at 445 to head to the gym, after an hour workout I head to Panera to have an hour of quiet time with the Lord. Then I meet with my mentor. By 830am I feel amazing and I am ready for the day and the weekend. These fridays have become crucial to my well-being. So here I sit(today my mentor is sick so I have a little extra time). I love to blog but it is something I have lacked time for. Today I will make that time.

I am learning so much every single day in this season of my life.

One thing I am really soaking in lately is the idea that I must live my life in a way as to embrace the race marked out for me. Doing my part along the way to finish strong!... It is easy to get focused on the meaningless details of my day. It is easy to get grumpy about the fact that I spend way too much time cleaning. I can easily focus on the fact that my family is poor in finances and cannot afford a decent vacation. I can easily focus on the fact that my parents are not walking with the Lord and their life is mess. I can focus on the mean people in the grocery store. I can easily focus on the fact that I am not in the physical shape i'd like to be in. I could focus on so many different things if I choose. But what I have learned is what you focus on grows! If I focus on these things that are not going the way I want then I can easily get to a dark place--depression and anxiety grow!!.

This is not what the Lord wants for me. The race marked out for me is not dark and full of anxiety...no it is a race full of joy and laughter and opportunities to grow and forgive. YES, It is a race full of ups and downs but all for His glory! It is a race that might leave me feeling exhausted at times but I must rest in Him so that I can finish strong!

Lets look at a real life race--a marathon. Now mind you I have never ran a marathon nor do I plan to but I like the analogy. People who run marathons have a reason, a motivation. It could be to raise money for a good cause. It could be an item on a bucket list. It could be a desire for fitness and focus. whatever it may be there is always a reason and a motivation. When someone decides to run a marathon they train. Some train minimally and some train really hard. The ones who train the best will be more successful! When you run a marathon they have rest stops. At the rest stop you can grab some water, a snack, go to the bathroom etc. Also when you run a marathon they have people cheering you on throughout the race. They have milemarkers and then when you finish the race there is a huge celebration. Often people run marathons they look forward to the celebration at the end. The most popular marathons to run are the ones with the best finish line celebration. Ok, so if we compare the race of life to the marathon. Here are my questions to reflect on,  on the race of life...
What is your motivation? My motivation is to bring Glory to God.
What does your training look like? reading, solitude, reflection, exercise, prayer
What are your rest stops? concerts, conferences, spaces where I don't lead!
Who is cheering you on? I have several mentors, accountability partners, growth groups, friends
Are you excited about the finish line?while I am excited about the finish line, I know that there is much more race ahead of me. I have to be honest it is hard for me to be excited about the end of the race when I know I am only at the beginning. It is easier to be fully present in the moment(the milestones) and forgetting that the end is gonna be so amazing. 

So in closing,  the point is to keep the Joy of the Lord(face to face with Him one day) on your heart as you adventure through the hard times and the pain(life).  Don't miss the milestones(to me these are the exciting times when I truly encounter Gods glory)and we cannot afford to miss the rest stops(these are the times when I remember how small I am and how big He is)...I have heard that the hardest parts of the marathon is when the crowds are absent...so might we never forget that community is a key...WE ALL NEED A CHEERING SQUAD sometimes! Without these things we will all grow weary and loss heart!--that is not how I want to finish the race! I want to run with perseverance the race marked out for me!!


Thats all I got today, To God be the Glory!!!

The scripture on my heart this morning--Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart!


PEACE BE WITH YOU, MOMMAAVILA!

Its a new year!

Hello Friends, It is a new year! 

As I reflect on the lessons I learned this past year. The theme seems to be Peace. I have become more aware and more exposed to the peace that comes from getting intimately acquainted with the Holy Spirit. This has been such a great journey. It started in January when I came across the SO LONG INSECURITY by beth moore material. I think I might have blogged on this topic but in a nutshell--I began to find peace in the great relationships I had right in front of me. Rather then look at what I wanted to be better in my friendships, marriage, etc I found myself thankful for what was good. I have learned that what you stare at grows--what you focus on is what you see! So if I focus on the bad--I am disappointed but if I focus on the good then I am grateful! The peace came when I began to let God influence the expectations I had for my relationships. Bottom-line I have a great marriage, I have great friendships, I have people who pray for me regularly, I have people I pray for regularly, I have people that I am invested in, I have people invested in me! ...This was only the beginning of my journey of peace...

Isaiah 26:3 YOU WILL KEEP IN PERFECT PEACE HIM WHOSE MIND IS STEADFAST,  BECAUSE HE TRUSTS IN YOU. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you...You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! A few different translations..

This verse came to me mid-year and I spent a lot of time soaking(by soaking I mean memorizing, praying for a deeper understanding of it etc) in this verse.  At the Flipside Women's Ministry Retreat weekend in September I had a "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR MOMENT" when Dante had a terrible mtn bike riding accident and basically went blind for 3 days. During those three days I was filled with an indescribable peace that I will never fully understand...I was beautiful and I cannot put words to the encounter I had with peace but it left me wanting more... when that weekend was over and Dante's eyes were healed I knew that would not have been able to feel His perfect peace without a huge trial. It is a scary tension to live in...Do I really want more of his peace? ...The reality is no one wants more trials right? So maybe I should not seek this perfect peace...

where I land with all this is Yes I want more of His peace and I TRUST the journey that God has carved out for me so I will seek it and remember that God is victorious!

I finished off the year reading everything I could that would help me get a deeper understanding of the peace that lives inside me...1,000 gifts by Ann Voskamp, Sanctuary of the Soul by Richard Foster, Too busy not to pray by Bill Hybels, Teresa of Avila's autobiography, just to name a few! 

I wish I could fully explain what I am learning but for 2 reasons I cannot--1. I don't have that much time(gotta pick up my beautiful daughter from pre-school) 2. I don't think I have found the words yet to fully explain what is happening inside of me.  It is really good and as I reflect on all I have learned and look to what this new year will bring. I find myself recognizing that I have only just begun this journey. . . So I will continue to seek more of His peace ...

The scripture I have been lead to this NEW YEAR is Psalm 23 --I plan to memorize it...

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want, He makes me lie down in green pastures He leads me beside quiet waters  He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

peace be with you, It is my hope to write again soon! 

MOMMA AVILA

The presence of God

2012 has been a great year...I wish I had more time to write. So much good stuff I could share but for now I want to write about THE PRESENCE OF GOD.

I came across this tiny little book written by brother Lawrence. I have no idea where I got it or who gave it to me but this morning as I was looking for something to read I found it in my office and it seemed to be perfect for where I am at spiritually and what I need to do to move forward in my journey.

To sum up the book I would say it is somewhat testimonial/somewhat instructional but the heart of the book is to encourage learning to be in the presence of God. He uses personal conversations, letters and more to communicate the importance of the practice of the presence of God.

he writes in a letter to a friend: let us examine our inner selves. Time is pressing in on us, and each of us must be responsible for himself. . .we must continuously walk in God's spirit, since in the spirit-life not to advance is to fall back. Those who have the wind of the Holy Spirit in their souls glide ahead even while they sleep. If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea. I think this is beautiful and insightful!

Here are some principles of Christs conduct that he suggests we practice:

1. We need to be considerate of God in everything we do and say

2. We should remember who we are and that we are unworthy of the name of Christian, except for what Christ has done for us. 

3. We must believe with certainty that it is both pleasing to God and good for us to sacrifice ourselves for Him

4. We must learn to be completely dependent on God's grace

HE SAYS: The most holy and necessary practice in our spiritual life is the presence of God. That means finding constant pleasure in His divine company. 

Here are some tips on how to practice the presence of God:

1. we must do everything with great care, avoiding impetuous actions, which are evidence of a disordered spirit. 
2. We should stop what we are doing often and praise God
3. Our adoration of God should be done in faith, believing that He really lives in our hearts...
4. We must carefully examine ourselves to see which virtues we are in most need of and which we find the hardest to acquire...and lovingly ask for the help of His grace in our time of need. 

He also talks about the blessings of the presence of God: 

1. The soul has a more lively and active faith
2. It strengthens our hope
3. It causes the will  to rejoice at being set apart from the world,  setting it aglow with the fire of holy love
4. the soul familiarizes itself with Him to the extent that it passes almost its whole life in continual acts of love, praise, confidence, thanksgiving, offering and petition.  

I don't know about the rest of you but this is what I want! I want to constantly be in the presence of God.

I am going to set my eyes on this and really seek it...If you want to join me on this journey let me know and maybe we could work out a sort of accountability check-in! 


 
peace be with you --mommaavila!


 

my life mission

I, Heather Louise Avila, will sow for myself righteousness; reap the fruit of unfailing love. I will seek the Lord until he comes. I will always humbly seek to run with perseverance the race marked out for me.

As a wife, I will love my husband, pursuing peace, love and oneness in my marriage; always guarding his heart and encouraging his passions.

As a mother, I will love my children, I will pray for them, and I will teach them to pursue Gods heart and purpose in their life. I will always remember they are His and not mine. I will encourage them to live a life with purpose and passion. I will help them see God in their surroundings.

As keeper of the home, I will strive to create an atmosphere of love, care, beauty, peace, kindness and joy, as a refuge from the world and a witness to the love of the Lord. I will do my best to have a have a home where grace is given and received freely—where shame is never embraced.

As a woman, I will strive to be sensible; taking every emotion, desire and thought captive for Christ. I will constantly seek wisdom and keep a community of friends that inspire me to live unto the Lord. I will take delight in whatever is pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent and worthy of praise.

As a leader, I will strive to be kind; treating everyone as though they were Christ Himself. I will pray continuously and never neglect His word, remembering always that He is holding it all together, not me. I will be teachable and always pursuing growth in myself and others.

…And all these things I will do as though God is my master and Lord, striving toward them as though He has spoken these things to me Himself.