So this happened...

So the other day something happened...

A girl that I haven't spoken to much in the last 10 years(she is the person that introduced me to Flipside but moved to a different state shortly after) sent me something that she felt prompted by the Spirit to send to me... 
Well it was so powerful and led me to an encounter and realization of  something I honestly wasn't aware of! My heart is not OK! The message came perfectly timed as I had been asking The Lord already in this season and on this day in particular...
Why do I feel so far from people? Why can't I find my place? Why am I feeling so misunderstood? Why do I feel so sad? 

I was encouraged through this meditative segment(http://christablackgifford.com/meditations/encounter/) to ask my heart...

Heart, ARE YOU TIRED OF PROTECTING YOUR PAIN?--ARE YOU EXHAUSTED FROM GUARDING YOUR WOUNDS?

and I wept... not a few tears --big huge wet tears!

It is true my heart is so tired and exhausted! 

I went through a season where I let my voice be silenced and I trusted people who couldn't hear my cries for help. In this season I watched sin take people that I loved from my life and there seemed nothing I could do about it. In this season I felt lonely and afraid. In this season I too entered into sin and allowed myself to cope with this pain by rebuilding old broken walls that had been broken down once by Jesus when I came into relationship with Him...

In my sin and in my pain again my heart built walls to protect me... 

So here is the answer I have been seeking...when you block your heart from pain you also block your heart from love!! 

Don't miss that profound statement...
WHEN YOU BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM PAIN YOU ALSO BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM LOVE! 

I think this might be my problem!!

and I wept....more huge wet tears

but then I felt the presence of The Lord with me and He reminded me that He has never left me(Hebrews 13:5)and he keeps track of all my sorrows(Psalm 56:8) and that He alone can restore the condition of my heart but I must enter in and trust Him more fully with my heart! 

The thing is people will always be the source of my pain but in order to fully walk in my calling and in Christ I must continue to let people in... So my heart has to heal!

Ummm...so ya here I am laying my most vulnerable truth out there ...My heart is not well! 

So I am not asking for you to be sad for me honestly I am confident God will fully heal me and this will only make me wiser, stronger and more mature! I am not asking for pity...honestly celebrate with me that I have been made aware because honestly I was not until this moment when I listened! 

So I write this because if you are reading this I encourage you to ask God about the condition of your heart! Let's get back to the river of love that our hearts thirsts for! 

I AM WILLING TO BE LOVED AS I AM!! 
I AM OPEN TO CONNECTING WITH MY HEART SO I CAN CONNECT TO YOUR HEART FATHER!
I AM READY TO HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE PROMISED ME!
I AM READY TO HAVE A HEART MADE WHOLE!

God loves His church

For the last 8 years I have been on staff at my beautiful church The Flipside. Working at a church was nothing I ever considered an option for my life. Especially since I attended a church less than 10x in my life before the age of 30. But apparently God had other plans for my life and I wouldn't change a thing! 

Working at a church is an interesting job. I think some of my friends think I sit around and pray all day and yes I definitely pray a lot but the truth is I do a lot more than that. One of the things that I have learned over the years is God so loves His church, his bride, his people...working at a church I can see Gods hand so mighty working all things out for the good of His people!

There was a moment in my journey where things were very confusing for me in my role and I asked The Lord to give me His eyes to see what He was up to. I felt so limited by my eyes, my agenda, I knew God was up to something good but I couldn't see it. So I asked...Lord give me your eyes! There was a song that really lead me to cry out to Him in the way. 

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.

The crazy thing is He actually did! He began to show me things that I had never noticed before about people, about the beauty He sees in the midst of an ugly situation. He started to give me vision that helped me know which direction to head in a project at work or direction to pray in a situation, things I never could have recognized or known on my own! 

When you work at a church Sunday is a big day. This is the where we all come together with the opportunity to worship corporately. It is beautiful! Every Sunday I ask The Lord again to give me His eyes to see. Lord show me the one that needs a welcoming smile, show me the one who is hurting and needs a word of encouragement, purpose my steps Lord to the one who is so lonely and feels no one cares so I can greet them and take away that doubt. I pray each Sunday that I would be a vessel of hope, reassurance and ultimately that I could be used completely as He desires!  So when the music starts I do all I can to step into His presence so He can show me my part! Sundays are a beautiful gift and I do my best each week to completely receive it so I can give back to the community of people I love--my family, my friends, my church!! 

Somewhere Between Misunderstanding and Knowing

Hello blog it's me Heather. I have been away a long, long time. I am going to try visiting more often I really am!! It has been 5 years and I have learned so much I cannot wait to share.

Let's see where do I start. Well this is a pretty big part of my current season...

We moved in July 2017 back to my old stomping grounds of Claremont. It was never in the forecast for Dante and I as we didn't think we could ever afford to live in this town. But my parents needed to sell their house and we worked out a deal that made the opportunity possible. Dante and I felt the Lord was paving the way so we said "Yes" to the adventure!

Dante and I loved the simple life we had created in the first 14 years of our life together and it was tempting to stay there forever... but going down this path of adventure we knew was what the Lord was putting before us and we had to go for it...

There is this song that I have been singing over and over because I relate to it so much in this season.  The words go like this:
Standing on the shore of decision, Looking into the face of adventure Desire to abandon all I know
What pushes me is rooted Somewhere between Misunderstanding and knowing

This is exactly where I am somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing.
What I know is:
1. God goes before His people, He leads us and never forsakes us!
2. He strengthens His people if they keep their eyes on Him and don't loose sight of the call/journey He has them on.
3. God answers prayers! I have seen God answer prayers in my life in ways I could have never expected and I continue to see that in the season and it humbles me and brings me to my knees in a posture of constant surrender!
What I don't know is:
1. How do we pick up our life and move? My daughter loves her friends and we have invested so much time in those friendships -- how do we do this well??
2. Will we financially be able to afford this transition? Dante's pay varies dramatically month to month and the good months are dependent on so many factors outside our control!
3. Can our marriage handle these stresses?

I can go on and on in both categories but the fact is I am somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing and it terrifies me at times!

Then the songs says:
Knowing that what I want to understand Is not within my reach,
So I ponder my escape. Not knowing what lies ahead

For me this is where I can stay--in the pondering--I am constantly thinking and it can be exhausting! But there is a quiet whisper from God that says "Trust Me" and that whisper is more powerful than anything I have ever experienced. His voice is calming, peace-filled, healing and I sometimes wish I could just stay in that place where His voice is the loudest thing I hear...

Then it says:

Adventure in theory is, Is full of excitement And bleeds with passion for life Adventure in reality is full Of breathless moments, silent nights, And wounds that leave Scars of memory on a heart.

I cannot go into the stories now but I will say some of my hardest most lonely moments have been in this house and God is truly teaching me the tension of stepping out and trusting and not becoming hardened in the journey!

Can I go the distance? Can I give all my mind to get what the messenger is saying? Can I surrender my knowing? Will I survive the humility of ignorance to obtain a treasure that earthly gold cannot buy? Will I ask the question of honesty, even if the answer leads me to the land of repentance?

All of these thoughts flood my mind.

As I stand on the shore of choosing and in the distance of my wandering I see with clear eyes a flock of wild beautiful birds. Swooping clearly in my direction, as if they see me and are coming for me. And how strange it is that their eyes are full of clarity. And the melody of their flapping wings sings out, ‘We are coming for you'

The image of this bird standing in her cage that what once locked and safe but kept her trapped and away from her true calling... and now the door is open and the pondering begins...

A song is waking up Wake up, songbird We want to hear your melodies Songbird, wake up. Start singing. You're not in your cage anymore, bound by your shame anymore, the walls that held you in prison, the gate is flung wide open Start singing cageless bird.

What I know is that the Lord doesn't promise that it will be easy...but He will always be with me.
What I know is that this journey with God has been worth every risk so far even those that I don't quite understand yet....
What I know is that I just can't turn back, I must move forward!
What I know is that when I keep my focus on God and the truth that He has set before us, I am able!
What I know is that the enemy won't relent...
What I don't know will hold me back so I stick to what I know!!

If I spend too much time in the unknown I can fall apart and run back to the cage! So I start each day with worship, praise and Gods word because those things will never forsake me and help me to start each day with my eyes on the Master!